So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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