The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
