I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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