Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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