I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
