He kissed a someone with a penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
