the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You're like the curious george of whores
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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