the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
