checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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