i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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