if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
