seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
