just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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