I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What drink are we having for lunch?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
