Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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