My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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