I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
