I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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