Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
