please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
