My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
