he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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