I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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