____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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