So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
