At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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