at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
