We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
