Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
