you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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