***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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