no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
