i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She's JV to your varsity
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
