boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize