Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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