Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
