a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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