So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
