I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
