yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
