he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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