do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
