dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
