white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize