Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
