Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
