I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
