I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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