drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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