i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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