Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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