Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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