sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
