Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
